Today, we live in a world where instant gratification triumphs over hard work and dedication. It is this exact type of allure that has made human connections so shallow and meaningless to a lot of millennials. I went off to law school this year so grateful that my life was finally coming together–not just for me, but for my fiancee who I wanted to succeed at this lofty endeavor for more than even myself. I dreamt of the day where I would finally be able to provide her with all of the things I thought she deserved in life. During the almost six years we were together, I had graduated college, police academy, and worked more dead end jobs than anyone cares to know about...
I wanted to be somebody. I wanted her to be proud and I thought it would finally change the way her family treated me. I was so optimistic for change in our lives. 2016 was supposed to be our year.
I made sure to leave her in good financial shape because she was my fiancee and we kept hoping for a fall wedding in addition to having a mortgage. I had been through the hurt of losing someone I loved once and each time, it appears that I am always the one who loves the deepest.
Instant gratification:
Less than a month after a rocky goodbye at the airport and no kiss farewell to send me off to law school, my fiancee uses the telephone to tell me she's leaving, provides no explanation, and ghosts me...
The first couple of days left me in shock, and shortly after the initial shock wore off, my world fell apart. I felt like I kept waking up in the same bad dream. I was in a new place, less than a month into law school, alone, and missing someone who thought abandoning me was easier than just simply taking the time to hurt me gently. I thought six years deserved a conversation of some sort and perhaps even an attempt to truly work on the issues...She left me on 9/11 and didn't come back until Thanksgiving. She came back only to hurt me again.
I received a load of excuses, anger, and my all-time favorite, "let's be friends". She wanted to attempt to be friends in order to repair our relationship. I just wanted to tackle the issues, learn from them, and move forward.
She replaced me with someone she met through a screen and didn't look back. Six years of our lives were quickly exchanged for a stranger within a four month period. Despite me emailing her to let her know I was going to be in town, she simply brought her new flame over to our house with our new mortgage, and had sex with the girl in our bed. That was much easier than trying to work through the issues or simply choosing to leave and not hurt me. I have never experienced this kind of hurt and betrayal before. I thought commitment meant something and I thought that people didn't ask people to spend the rest of their lives with someone unless it was real. I thought what we had was the real deal. While I thought in the past that I had my heart broken, I realize that this was truly my first time experiencing this kind of pain:
I braved torrential rain and a blizzard to get to her. Eight cars overturned on the freeway and I didn't once think of my own safety, every delay was a minute lost in my time to get to her. I thought of nothing else the entire 10 1/2 hours. Seeing is believing and I am just glad that I saw because now I can move forward without constantly wondering about what's behind me.
While there isn't a cure for heartache, perhaps sharing some of the things I learned from having my heart relentlessly smashed and torn to pieces will stop you from making some of the same mistakes in addition to speeding up your healing process...
1. NEVER Allow Someone to Compromise Who You Are.
She actually wanted to attempt to get me thrown in jail by purposely sleeping with another woman in the bed we actually built by hand–She wanted to get a rise out of me. Law school made me remember my morals, values, dreams, and integrity. I didn't act in a way inconsistent with who I am fundamentally.
2. Love Yourself FIRST
My first semester of law school was horrible because I didn't love myself first. I didn't love myself enough to make the absolute most out of a really bad situation. I let someone else and their negativity affect my happiness, how much I ate, the amount of effort I was putting into my law school goals, etc. I was allowing someone to treat me awfully because I didn't fully love and accept myself. Somewhere along the way, I forgot how amazing, funny, special, smart, goal-driven, and beautiful I was.
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent"— Eleanor Roosevelt
3. Don't Compromise Your Dreams
Once I got over the relationship and came to the realization that not only was I losing someone who didn't care about me in the least bit, I realized I was about to lose my dream of finishing law school. This is seriously what helped to snap me out of things. If you don't have anything you're passionate about, this is an excellent time to find out what drives you. Pouring yourself into your work is a great way to improve yourself and keep your mind off the pain.
4. When Someone Shows You Who They Truly are, Believe Them.
It was hard to believe that the person I was engaged to would do something so cruel, tactless, and narcissistic to me. I ignored all of the warning signs and continued to delve deeper into the fallacy of her being different. She turned out truly to be no different than her family. There are exceptions, but typically the apple doesn't fall too far from the tree. Her immediate family has never participated in our relationship, but were all about making sure what remained burned to the ground. Make sure you choose a partner who knows how to love his/her family, but also is mindful of when people are being purely evil. If they are easily influenced, that means they are not okay making decisions on their own. There is a huge difference between consulting and controlling. Be in control of your own destiny.
5. Don't Blame Yourself
Fess up to your part in the relationship and that's it. Once you've made it clear how you feel, leave it at that. You're not someone's whipping boy or girl...You don't have to take any abuse.
6. Trust Your Gut
If they are constantly blaming you, refusing to work on a longterm relationship, losing their temper over you simply trying to be kind...Hope for the best, but if your gut is telling you something isn't right, it's probably true.
7. Don't Listen to the Rumors
"To thine own self, be true."— Polonius
This is one of the lines I'll never forget from Shakespeare. Be true to yourself...ALWAYS. Being honest with yourself can be tough work, but it can also be one of the most liberating things you do in your life. This may mean being honest about the relationship, the kind of person you love, your health/eating habits, etc. This can seriously mean a multitude of things.
8. Letting Go is NOT Defeat
If you have truly given a situation your all, then don't worry about anything else. You'll thank yourself for it later. When you've fought your hardest and you know there isn't anything else you could possibly do to attempt to make things right, then LET. IT. GO. It is their loss and one you must be willing to accept they're willing to make. Keep your head up because even though you may not feel as if you'll find someone else, trust me, you will. Every time you don't believe, remember you didn't leave them...You let go because you had to do what was best for you.
9. LIVE IN THE PRESENT
The past is over, the future isn't here yet, and all you have is the present. Live in it, cherish it, revel your moment to shine.
If they come back, then deal with it then. However, don't put your life on hold waiting for something that may never happen.
10. Feel Sorry for the Next Guy/Girl
When they leave you, rebound immediately, and start doing things a normal person wouldn't do to accelerate a relationship so quickly, remember that guy or girl is getting all of the negative traits your ex partner did not bother to fix...They are getting all of that baggage and all of the hurt emotions that come with a person who cares more about themselves than they do another person. It all goes back to instant gratification: There isn't a magic fix for a broken heart and hoping into bed with someone else instead of dealing with your feelings is selfish and unfair to the next person.
11. Karma is Real
Enough said.
